A Honesty

I want to write a honesty.

When I feel empty, I say ‘air’.
When I feel emo, I say ‘mind’.
When I feel love, I say ‘you’.

I want to write a honesty.

When I feel sad, I say ’empty’.
When I feel happy, I say ‘cheese’.
When I  feel us, I say ‘love’.

I want to write a honesty.

When I feel being lonely, I say ‘music’.
When I feel being left behind, I say ‘relax’.
When I feel being mended, I say ‘soon healed’.

I want to write a honesty.

I feel everything and I have nothing to say.



On the first week of May, I wrote about life purpose. In brief, I explained that I have no life purposes because it is indefinite and dynamic. For me, there is no such an exact life purpose. It’s because I can’t guarantee with my dynamic life, I could hold into particular life purpose.

Then, on the second week, I wrote about life problems which come with no alert first but become a good sign in the end. For me, the problems are like gift from God, whether to take us back to right path or to lead us to the higher level.

Here comes the third week with life solution. Problems come, solution follows as well.

What makes life evolve is the human himself. It is because we have a job to make our life better and grower. We dream and work for things we want to reach. To be more specific, we never want to reach below because we dream the stars above the sky.

Let’s say you want to be a singer then you will spend most of your times singing (not eating). It’s because you want to sing better until people call us “singer”. Or if you want to be a food critics. I am sure you will go eating in many restaurants to taste the food and to review their food. It’s because you want to tell whether the restaurant serves a good food or not.

Actually, those are just the basic examples because I believe there are more goals you want to reach. You might say you want to just graduate as soon as possible but you might say you want to graduate and get the job as soon as possible. I believe, no matter what goals you want to reach, you’d provide more time to do things you think will help you to reach them.

However, here comes the complex situation. While we try to reach the stars, some terror comes in the form of “problems”.

One thing you should note in your mind is to remember that problems come into our life to help us evolve. It is because life asks us to be better or one step a head. When life is like a school, problems come as a teacher. Whether you want to listen to him or not, the decision is totally yours.

One thing I really remember is when I had bell’s palsy (you can Google it) while I was leading an event. If you already Googled it, you will learn that bells-palsy is like a ‘stroke’ which damage your face’s nerves. Your face will look weird and  weird. Yeah, just weird. But, hey, I don’t want to explain how could I survived bells’ palsy but I want to tell you what really happened.

While I lead that event, I got depressed. I worry things about this event: financial, venue, committee, etc. Every single moment, I am thinking hard about this event. Until, I didn’t take care my own body. I skipped eating because I have to go some places with staff to take care of things. I lost my sleeping time because I had to re-arrange my planning in the middle of the night. My worries made me ignoring my own health.

It was on June. We had UAS and the weather is not really good. Malang was so cold and really windy at that time. My biggest mistake was I went out without jacket. Several times. Let sum up my stupidities: skipping eating, losing sleeping time, being depressed and going out with no jacket many times. The result was I got bell’s palsy and had to spend much money because the medicine was seriously expensive. I felt so ashamed of not being able to take care my own health. I was 20s but can’t take care my self. *sigh*

So, hey, bell’s palsy is my problem. No one knows what will happen in the future. I didn’t know either that I would experience bell’s palsy in the middle of that event. Yet, I choose not to worry about it. I choose to be happy because I finally learn that we really need to take care of our health. Not because people ask us to but because we have to.

I am sure that we might be scared of what could possibly happen. We worry how we could overcome the problem. Me my self even worried the bell’s palsy I got would comeback one day.
Yet, I keep reminding myself, “ Don’t worry. Solutions do exists.” Don’t let the worries to burn your spirit to reach your star.  Don’t let problems cut off your well journey.
Therefore, I choose not to worry the bell’s palsy would come back but I choose to keep being health. The result is I become healthier and the even was run very well. Thank God.

I could also say that solutions to overcome problems are gradually developed from time to time. In another word, they are evolved. During years of our life, there are some meeting points which are called stage. Let’s say stage 1 is your level as kindergartens. Your problem is all about how to spell alphabets, denying to take a nap or ignoring to eat veggies. The solutions comes from your parents so you might be calm because you don’t need to think hard, right?

Then, here comes another level, the harder level. Like a game, the higher level, the more complicated the game is. You are offered more works to do. Equally, the problems are coming harder. Then, when the problems are coming, lemme tell you two things you need to do. First is keep being calm. Then, the second is taking moments to  decide the solution.

Without being calm, you can’t look at your situation crystally . The black clouds might limit your sight ability. Then, you probably fall into another problems. If I was not being calm, I might get panicked and can’t get medication immediately back at the moment I got bell’s palsy.

That is what being calm is really important. It is because when mind gets stuck, let heart leads. You need to be calm because you can’t listen to your heart while your mind is still busy thinking. For me, heart is a safe place to help yourself for a moment. When the storms are so terrific in your mind, heart knows how to silent them for a while.
So, being calm.

After being calm, hearts will lead and your mind finally would work well again. It is the right moment to finally decide the best solution to help you out from these thorny problems.

The question is where does the solution come from then? I tell you, our mind is an amazing place to find the way out. Our mind like an incredible out space where stars do exist and connect to each other. Once, we explore, boom! New findings are just born.
The awesome reason why I tell you to be calm is to help your mind to find the way out. Being calm is to create another boom!  Then, problems are solved.

Remember this. Being calm will grant you well work mind.

Knock Knock, Problems are Here!

Disclaimer: This is the second post about life, continuing the “life purpose” last week. This week, we give you “life problems or obstruction”.

Last week, I proclaimed myself with no specific life purpose because it is easy for me to change once I learn new value. Therefore, it is better for me to focus on present, working in details then let the future is shaped by the now-process. However, during my now-process, problems are always knocking my door. The problems come from so many places with no exact time and have no appointment first. Yeah, you just can’t say, “Dear problems, why don’t you ask me whether I’m busy or not? You can’t simply come to my life.” I believe it’s not. They just come as ‘the order’ is sent to them.

When the problems become guests in my life, I let them in. Just for playing cool. Then, I am wondering why they could come. There are a lot of questions at that time but my brain like stop processing once they come.
For sure, there is no problem entering your life without intention. Once I wonder, I learn that problems might come because my own mistake. I give you one example. I always have this kind back pain after I have less sleep hours. At the beginning, I deny the pain until it never stops.  The back pain is getting worst and I have to put on koyo more and more. I can’t imagine how much money I already spend only for koyo. Hmm….
Actually, I take my time for awhile then realize I have back pain every time I work over time during the night and still have to wake up early. In short, my problem is back pain and my own mistake is stupid-sleeping-hour-management.

After that, as an intelligent creature, I have to decide how I ‘kick out’ my back pain problems. Amazingly, my brain told me, “Get more sleep, genius!” Then, it is like the lamp above my head is on. I decide to have more sleep. But, what about my works then?
Once again, my amazing brain told me, “Why don’t you stop having gadgets during your work time, workers?”. Oh, my brain starts to have some anger I guess. Then, slowly but sure, I learn to put away my gadgets and being more intimate with my work so I could sleep better and have no back pain. (Even, it is hard.)

That process made me realize how could I lose my sleeping time just for gadgets who doesn’t even care about my health. My sleeping time relates to my health but keeping up with gadgets doesn’t give a damn health insurance.

It means problems come when we can’t differ between what really relates to our essential life and what should be less exist in our life. In another way round, we give more space to things that are not meant to us. We let things fill the spaces they don’t deserve until we feel fed up and call the situation, “problems”. Yeah, the situation where you couldn’t differ things you need or not is problem.

In addition, my priest once preached that problems come into our life because they come as an alerts. In one side, you might have problems because your own mistake and God does care about your goodness. He wants you to go back to the right path. Likewise, problems might come into your life as you are ready for the next level.

Problem is like a ‘present’ from God right? Eventually, you’ll thank your problems existence tho. Therefore, don’t worry too much. You’ll need your energy to overcome your problems.

Hang on! The problems do exist but God’s help are coming.

Laughing Out of Life



Disclaimer: It is a consistent me and my friends’ writing that we MUST post every single week. This week’s theme is life purpose. So, I wish I could tell you in clean and sharp paragraphs about it.

Dear living one, how’s life? Or the proper question might be “what is life”?
I know million of ideas jump in and out in your mind. You start to feel happiness or grieve at the same time. Probably, the answer is none.
Yes, I know you’re surviving both questions. Whether to answer the question or to stay alive. Then, may the odds be ever in your favor.

Lemme tell you short thing about me.

I am (almost) 24 years old in next July. (Yes, Cancer team babe! I’m Mrs. Crab)
I have for almost 24 years been living on mother earth.
I have survive, pass and experience things. Even, I believe I’m not the master of life.
Along these years, I have learnt from the sweetest until the worst one. You name it.
Along these years, I have learnt that every single person survive and struggle. We might live in the same land but we might have different matters. I call it the beauty of diversity.
Along these years, I have experienced the ups and downs. Not forget to mention, I have (and still) learn about life; the meaning, the purpose, the goals or the dreams.

Specifically, I believe all of us still try to find what our life purpose is. I am dreaming. You are dreaming. All of us do dreaming something bigger,  wilder, and stronger in our life. It is normal because we are striving for better things. Something that connects with our soul and fill the spaces in our heart. Therefore, it is so needed to find our life purposes because it is related to the mortality of ourselves. Yet, is it really needed?

Personally, I never have a very specific life purpose because when I try to have one, I end up learn new values that change my mind. Once in my life, I really want to take Communication major because I want to work in media industry. Then, as the time goes by, I chose English Literature.  When I got SNMPTN result, I realize what I have at that time is the result of my experience for years. Since I was a kid, my parents let me listened to their 80s collection album and let me watch Friends, Dawnson’s Creek or Smalville series. They let me surrounded by “English Literature”. Also, I love to transcript lyrics of my favorite songs and translate it by myself with the help of dictionary. I used to read dictionary and wrote new words I found. The most interesting is I love to write poem, short stories or simply blog entry. I have done those for years.

And that is why I feel English Literature is so into me. (Put away the Communication major then)

In another way round, life purpose is also misinterpreted to: who someone becomes , what someone gets, where someone goes, when someone do this or do that, in the future. Like, everything spins around the future. Then, it sometimes makes us lose our present version. We forget the right-now-process we have until we miss the life itself. We focus on the future until we realize we are nothing without our present.
I repeat again. We are nothing without our present.
So, if you want to be particular subject or if you want to get particular things in the future, where are you now? What are you doing now to be someone? To have things? Those are the right questions to have life purpose answer.

You never know where you are going to go if you haven’t read the map.
You never know what you are going to be if you haven’t become someone you don’t want to be.
You never get what you need if you haven’t learn what you want isn’t always what you actually need.

Yet, if you still ask what my life purpose is, I’d like to answer with “I want to be present in every single details I have in present. It is a present from God and I honor Him in my present.”

Dear friend, life is full of surprises so don’t expect it would follow our instructions. Because sometimes, life gives you lemon when you want (water)melon. So, let’s taste the life and laugh out of it!

For Picking Out Different Color is Not Wrong

Dear love,
instead of white dress,
allow me to pick out the grey one to celebrate our marriage.

Cheers for the bitter love we have
Beers for the falling out of love our hearts did

Dear love,
please allow me to pick out ocean instead of mountain
to celebrate our 10-years-of-living together

Let the waves wash away my burdens
for the mountain of our love are just our young and wild dreams.

Dear love,
I won’t pick out the same colour for our next 10-year.
For I won’t have same of you. Now and soon.

Dear My Friend

Some friendships are just gone by the time, buried under the excuse of no time.
Some tiks, some toks.
Some friendships are just gone like an air, disappearing with the memories.
Some friendships are getting aged, beaten by the adulthood.
Some manhood, some womanhood.
Some friendships are filled by promises.
Some hellos, some goodbyes.
Some friendships are added, equal and mutual.
Some zeros, some millions.
Some friendships are real, others are virtual.
Some hugs with laugh, some hugs with stickers.
Some likes, some comments.
Some friendships needs coffee. And time.
We both have coffee for ourselves but no time for each other.

Dear my friend
In case you are curious, I am trying to be fine now.

O Jakarta!


Selepas matahari mulai menutup diri dari hari, warna jingga menyatu dengan biru sayu. Wajah orang berlalu-lalang rindu rumah yang didalamnya ada kasih dan keluarga. Sepanjang jalan hiruk pikuk rindu menyeru “Aku ingin pulang.” Saat ku pikir semua orang sudah kembali ke rumahnya, kota Jakarta.

Rumahku memang bukan di Jakarta. Tapi acap kali dibuatnya ku jatuh cinta tiap matahari memilih mundur dari panggung drama. Jadi kupikir jatuh cinta itu sama artinya dengan kembali ke rumahmu. Atau menemukan rumahmu.

Aku sama sekali tidak memiliki alasan untuk jatuh cinta dengan kota padat penduduk yang ramai seperti pasar ikan di pagi hari ini. Jarang ku temui rendah hati, yang banyak angkuh dan pamer sana sini. Lain kata, aku benci kota ini.

Tapi benar kata orang-orang yang bilang ini pepatah tapi tidak tahu sumbernya dari mana,
“Kalau kau tidak kenal, maka tidak kau sayang.”
Ah kurang lebih begitulah.

Perlahan kota ini memanggilku ‘tuk kembali pulang seakan memanggilku untuk jatuh cinta. Bukan pada gedungnya yang tinggi semampai sampai pegal leherku mencari puncaknya, tapi pada aura megahnya yang malah keluar setiap orang kembali ke rumahnya masing-masing. Berbaris rapih taat aturan lalu lintas. Bunyi klakson sana dan sini. Menahan kencing saat kemacetan seperti menahan perasaan pada yang dicinta. Degup jantung yang tidak sabar bertemu anak untuk melepas rindu atau tetangga untuk sekedar menggosipkan tetangga lainnya.

Nyala lampu jalan yang dibayar dengan pajak negara. Bolak balik angkutan umum melewati jalur yang sama tanpa disadari mungkin sang sopir atau masinis mulai bosan. Lagu dangdut yang diputar di radio usang pos satpam dekat rumah. Bunyi jargon andalan tahu bulat. Suara mesin motor baik keluaran awal 2000 atau yang baru saja keluar nomor plat kendaraannya.

Suara pekerja, “Bang nasi gorengnya satu pake telor.” sepulang bekerja. Menghabiskan makanannya sendiri berharap segera lebaran supaya bisa kembali ke kampung halaman di tanah Jawa. Seakan Jakarta bukan bagian dari Jawa. Alien bilang.

Kadang aku membayangkan kota Jakarta seperti anak kecil yang dipaksa dewasa oleh kapitalisme. Ah! Istilah yang sering dipakai para pemikir untuk melabeli kota Jakarta. Sehingga muncul istilah “Jakarta keras, Bung!” Entah Bung siapa tapi aku percaya bukan bunga-bunga ditaman. Macam lagu dangdut.

O Jakarta, aku harap semarakmu tidak pudar karena perasaan ingin ini ingin itu baik dari mereka atau kalian.
Ya, aku memang suka bermain kata. Tapi dari semua yang ku tulis, aku tau’ aku mengalami Jakarta dengan semua inderaku.