Our mind is a great place. Like water, sometimes, it is as clear as crystal. In other times, it is murky like it is filled only by dirt. And like season, it is summer in one moment, or cold like winter in north pole. I can’t control my mind because it is rushing like race between runners. Many times, it is adrift. That is the moment I call myself lost.
“I lost my mind.”
“I lost my self.”
“And I am sorry for that.”
That’s what I can say to people who are horribly meeting my lost mind. Because I know, part of me losing my mind results arguments. Even a clash. What makes me grateful is when I lose my mind, I know I am surrounded by good people who understand my maniac side. They listen to me and acknowledge my feelings that I am blurred and unstable. It is like they accept me that I am facing this dully side of me.
On the contrary, When my mind is clear and people’s are not. I could sense their losing self and I respect their phase. As it occurs, I learn how to let my ego go and love them more. If I keep my ego stay, all of us would lose ourselves, right?
Processing many things as people who absorb and storage daily information is not easy for me. Relying on 1 particular fact is not me either. I keep wondering and keep determining which one is the right one. Until the moment which I call the cloudy mind. It makes me blurry and can’t stand steady. Also with extra speed, my mind is freaking fast organic computer. It is like I wanna be fast. I wanna choose the best one in one shot. The fact is you can’t choose the best in only one shot, sometimes you will fail and fall. Nothing would come easy. What come easy would be easy go.
Again, this side makes me maniac. Man, I hate myself sometimes. The one who tries to control everything. The one who thinks about tons of stuff in one time. In one side, this is a good combination in capital market. But, dude, this is so bad in terms of human relationship. I realize this is part of me but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to change myself. I know this is not the best version of myself. I gotta manage my mind so I am able to manage my self.
If I could go back to my previous writing, me has gradually changed into someone new. Last year might be one of the darkest time and most blurred mind I could experience. I wanted to rush things. I really tried to control over things. I forgot who owns my life, my time. I forgot about Him, Jesus Christ.
But now, as I continue this writing on June 13th 2021, me who has maniac side and loved to control things now become an empty glass, ready to be filled and human that see others more clearly. The maniac side still comes to my head door, banging hard but like the sea that roars. I roar harder. For I know the power in me comes from Jesus’ grace.
Now, I am walking with very clear thoughts and more self-control. No more try to control the outside because finally I choose to control my self. I choose to leave all the past behind and run after the truth. I choose to live the truth.
I know this won’t be an easy race but, God, I cling to You.
Note: For your information, this writing has been in my draft since early March and I’d really like to continue it but several things happen in my life.
RACAU! 